There's No Place Like Home

Home Security In The (Crazy) Modern World by Eric Power

Since October, I've been working for a major package delivery company in the residential delivery division. In my eight months on the job, I've made some rather interesting observations. The house is always the last one on a very long street. It's always the apartment on the third floor (no elevator, mind you) at the very end of the hall. It's always the dining room table or an equally heavy item that has to be delivered to the house atop a steep hill with 35 steps to the summit. The packages that require a signature are never home. MOST dogs are all bark and no bite; they lighten up once you throw them a Milkbone. Last, but certainly not least, I've noticed that more than a few people are completely oblivious about their home and personal security. 

My delivery route is located in a wealthy suburb in southwest Ohio, a sprawling area about 25 miles to the northeast of Cincinnati; it consists of suburban and rural housing, and a number of small local businesses. It's like any number of "Smalltown, USA", scattered throughout the Midwest. For the majority of the town, it is a fairly wealthy area. Perhaps the wealth and seclusion have made some of them just a tad bit complacent. 

“And Another Thing....!”

I came across one particular house recently that boggled my mind and had me shaking my head. As I walked up to complete my delivery, I noticed a sign on the door.

Forgive The Blurry Photo.  Basically
it states that they are a weapon free home. 

           

Now I know all about wanting to express an opinion about the topic du jour. I mean, hello??... I have a blog. (yes, a poorly maintained blog, but put that aside for now...) So, yeah, I get it. But there is a difference between voicing a political opinion between friends and informing complete and possibly nefarious strangers to a glaring tactical disadvantage in your home. Ok, so you don't like guns -- that's fine, it's your choice not to have one. I support that. If you don't want your friends to carry concealed weapons into your house, then you have every right to make your objections be heard – it's YOUR house, after all. Instead, let THEM know that ahead of time. In this psycho, lunatic world of violent home invasions, why would you announce to that world that you are unarmed and vulnerable?!? Because you want perfect strangers to know where you stand regarding firearms??? Save that soapbox for Facebook and cocktail parties. It has no place in the world right outside your front door.

Come on in, Stranger!

Hey Mr. Robber!  Wife And Kids Are Upstairs
 and My Safe Combo is 1-2-3-4!

Here's another example of just astonishing insanity. I've made a number of deliveries to a very nice house which has, I assume for the convenience of the homeowner, given their garage door code so that we can leave their packages securely inside, and not just on the front porch. Not only do I know the code, but the homeowners had it entered into the computer system so that it is printed onto my delivery manifest!! Everyone in the office, as well as I, now knows how to get into this house. What if, Heaven forbid, I happen to forget it's on there and I throw that manifest away in the gas station garbage? That piece of paper is now in the public access; and hey, it only has their name, address, and garage code for everyone to see. They may as well leave a key on a lanyard and hang it from the doorknob! Now it's possible that the door in the garage that leads into their house is locked. That would be better than nothing. Generally, however, the vast majority of these doors are secured with nothing more than a simple doorknob lock, which are fairly easy to bypass. If you're that worried that your package might be stolen, then spring for the signature service and I'll hand it to you at the front door. (helpful hint – being home is key!!) That's far better than having

The Esteemed Mr. Franklin

your home breached by burglars or violent home invaders. To horribly paraphrase a famous Benjamin Franklin quote, those who would trade security for convenience, lose both and deserve neither. God bless these people; I fear for their safety.

Class of 2015

With graduation season having recently passed, parents are rightfully proud of their children moving forward in their educational and professional lives.

I've seen some memorabilia items publicly displayed that make me cringe. One is a yard sign that says "2015 graduate of such and such high school" and then writes out their full name on the sign. Bad idea! Potential identity thieves now know the name of your child, their approximate age (17-19, which is the typical age range of graduating high school seniors) and their address. TMI for the world to know. From that seemingly small bit of data, they can gather much more information to use against your child. One house actually had a banner made which had their daughter's picture on it, displayed for everyone to see. I nearly choked when I saw that!

Well, Hello There...Baybay!

Oh.  He's In A Towel. AGAIN.

This next example is mainly for women. More than once I have been greeted by women answering the door in a towel, a poorly tied skimpy bathrobe, a low cut shirt with no bra, and once in a lingerie looking thing with a small satin robe covering her. (I've had some men answer the door in various forms of undress as well, but that's a whoooole 'nother blog and some psychotherapy sessions to boot. *shudders*) Rarely does anyone, men or women, ask who it is before opening the door. Ladies, what are you doing?!?!? How dangerous is this!? Look, I won't make any assumptions about what is going through your head when you open the door in some Victoria's Secret getup. I'm not assuming you have the "delivery boy" fantasy. Mostly, I think (hope) it's just being oblivious. I'm the harmless, happily married (yes, my wife would just absolutely LOVE it if you would stop doing this too!) delivery guy with no ill will towards anyone – although you can't possibly know that. However, it could easily be someone with far more degenerate, violent

Then She Said....My That's a Big Package
 You've Got There!! Bahahahaha!!!

intentions standing on the other side of the door -- the one barrier between your semi-nakedness and the unknown. At best, you've just become the next story that I tell to my buddies at the terminal (and yes, EVERY delivery guy has a juicy story to tell); or you've become the next easy target for the neighborhood rapist.

I'm a Good Guy...Honest!

Now as an employee for this delivery service, I am required to submit to a background check for anything criminal in my past that would disqualify me for the job. Obviously, they don't want someone with a history of property or violent crime having access to hundreds of customers and their homes, week in and week out. But a background check only tells an employer the official record. IF I was caught and prosecuted. IF I served time. What if I'm just THAT good at my moonlight job? A background check, at best, is an accurate reflection of my, or someone else's, clean history. At worst, the company has just hired a professional thug or rapist. A lowlife, who now has all the reason in the world to scope out the million dollar house and their occupants that he just delivered some Bed Bath & Beyond to, all while wearing my uniform like a shield from suspicious neighbors. Believe me, he's not worried about pilfering the box in his hands. He's got his eye on a much bigger prize.

Or maybe, I'm not the perpetrating criminal. Maybe I just have questionable morals and some shady friends who do the dirty deed themselves. "Hey, just tell me which houses look like an easy mark, and I'll throw you a few hundred bucks." Or I could sell him that handy dandy garage code to the house I talked about earlier! I'm sure that's worth even more, right? Guaranteed access into the house that you thought was your castle. I've just made some extra cash, posed little to no risk to myself, and my record stays clean for any background checks in the future.

Or maybe again, I don't even work for FedEx, UPS or DHL. Maybe I'm just posing as a delivery guy, to scope out homes that are empty at that moment. This happened recently down in Florida. 

Secure The Fort! Barbarians At the Gate!

Burglaries. Identity thefts. Home invasions. Rapes. Murders. It's a dangerous world out there, and it's only getting more deadly as the years crawl by. Read or watch the news for a daily barrage of

Bad Guys Out, Good Guys
 In...Keep It That Way

crimes and violations against John Q. Citizen. They grow more numerous and more savage with each passing day. Your home truly is your modern-day castle; let's keep it that way. Stop leaving the drawbridge down and allowing the myriad number of potential threats to waltz right in and breach the walls. For the love of Pete, man the boiling oil!! Put crocodiles in your moat! Keep your family, and yourself, safe from harm. Thanks for reading and God bless.